Ten Baby Names That Really Should Have Remained Just Options

Baby Wyatt in the WombChoosing a baby name can be a daunting task. Many parents have different ideas in mind when they embark upon this quest to name their sweet little bundle of joy. For boys, parents often consider strong-sounding names, symbols of masculinity and names that represent generations past. For girls, many parents consider names that sound feminine, represent beauty, kindness or delicacy. Like boys who inherit names from fathers or grandfathers, baby girls also often inherit names from the matriarchs of their family, frequently as a middle name. This is traditional and, yes, normal.

Today, it seems that lots of  parents are just looking for wild, “outside the box” names that are more unique than anything else. And it doesn’t matter what that uniqueness really stands for. For instance, celebrity Gwyneth Paltrow garnered many a snicker when she named her baby “Apple” and Beyonce and Jay-Z chose “Blue Ivy” for their new addition. The idea behind these names? To be honest, I’m still not sure. More recognition, perhaps? The bad thing is that these names didn’t even come close to the most ridiculous names I’ve ever heard.

In light of that, I wanted to share with you the top ten baby names that made me laugh so hard just thinking about them that I almost peed myself. A special thanks to my son for that oh-so-common occurrence. Maybe I should have named him “Bladder Destruction” or “Little Nugget” and his name could have made this list.

Ten Off the Wall Baby Names

10. Audio Science – Interestingly enough, this is the name that Shannyn Sossamon named her baby and not the name of a college offering. I’m thinking that she might want to further her education a bit so that she can come up with a much more clever name next time around. Maybe Business Analysis? Think of the possibilities! Your daughter could go by Busy for short – something every parent dreams of for their daughter, right? And let’s not even mention the many twists that could occur with the middle name. Yes, clever parents, keep giving your children these ridiculous names and one day we will see this combination come to fruition.

9. Jermajesty – I can think of many reasons that Jermaine Jackson might have come up with this name and all of them are ridiculous. My first thought? This isn’t a name. It’s what I would sound like addressing the queen if I ever met her while severely intoxicated. (Which, by the way, would be just my luck.)

8. Moon Unit – I don’t think it’s possible to have a list like this without mentioning Frank Zappa’s name choices for his kids. I’m hoping that this one is in some reference to the conception of the child because I honestly don’t see any other off the wall reason to come up with a name like this…except maybe drug use. Heavy, heavy drug use. See #7 for another example.

7. Diva Thin Muffin – Really? Doesn’t that whole name just completely contradict itself? Has anyone on the face of the planet ever seen a “thin” muffin? And if they have, did they really think it was diva-quality?

6. Facebook – What. the. hell. I would rather follow in Zappa’s footsteps than name my baby after Zuckerburg’s social media empire. I mean, Facebook is cool and all, but I’d rather not give anyone the impression that my child would grow up to be publicly traded.

5. Hashtag – Yes, your child will likely be able to see it’s icon millions of times per day on Twitter until something better comes along, which is likely to be long before that little bundle of joy is capable of using social media to effectively communicate. I imagine that if you want a reason to smile every time you say your child’s name, this is a fair choice because I’d be laughing at myself every time I said it. Better yet, imagine a time in the future when your child gets out of your sight at the park. You run around the area screaming for Hash. “Have you seen Hash?” “Have any of your kids been around Hash?” “I could have sworn that I saw your little Johnny playing with Hash earlier.” Imagine the sheer fright that you’d be sending to parents just by asking about your child!

4. Pilot Inspektor – Jason Lee, what on earth were you thinking when you named your son this? If that child doesn’t have issues as an adult, it will only be because of the Zero Tolerance Bullying policies that schools are putting into effect. Seriously, if you were one of my friends, I would have smacked you in the forehead and handed you a V-8.

3. Inny – Unfortunately, this isn’t a nickname or shortened form of anything. It’s just “Inny” and for some reason, I find that oddly disturbing. When we start naming our kids after belly buttons, what has the world come to? I guess I should be thankful that they didn’t name her “Outie” or, for a more brand-worthy spelling, “Audi.”

2. Hippo – Moms, we all probably feel like we’re carrying a hippo in our third trimester, but that does not mean that it’s okay to name your baby after this enormous mammal. Please remember: Kids can be really mean.

1. Sanity – I love the concept. I really do. Unfortunately, sanity is NOT what I think of when I think of parenthood. As much as I love my kids, I’m thinking that the person that came up with this name is living in some sort of alternate world where reality ceases to exist. Let’s review the realities of parenthood real quick: Lack of sleep? Check. No free time? Check. Constant nagging? Check. Constant worry? Check. Financial stress? Check. Now that we’ve covered why Sanity is not a proper name for a child, let’s add a prefix. In-sanity. Now that’s more appropriate.

What to Consider When Naming Your Baby

Look, I’m not urging you to be normal. I’m just asking you to think about the consequences for your child before you name them. Unique names are awesome, but if the uniqueness of it doesn’t outweigh the ridicule that your child is going to face in the future, then you’re essentially setting your child up for mockery and that’s just not cool. So I want you to have fun choosing a name for your baby, really I do, but don’t have so much fun that you name your baby something that you and your future child will regret later. Just because no one else has ever named their child Hogwart Buttkiss Galvanometer doesn’t mean that you have to be the first.

Heard of another crazy baby name that you think should be on this list? Leave me a comment below. If I laugh so hard I have to change my underwear, I’ll add it to the list!




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