What Does Mother’s Day Mean to You?

Today is Mother’s Day, so I thought I would take a moment to tell you all exactly why this day is so very special to me. This is one of the few days of the year that I can’t help but get a little sentimental…but I rarely share that with anyone, so consider yourselves special.

Why I Am I So Mushy on Mother’s Day?

It’s not the gifts or the kind words that make me thankful for Mother’s Day each year. Instead, it’s the memories I have of my long road towards becoming a mom. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother. I had wanted to have my kids early and I wanted two. Yes, one boy and one girl. I got both, but it wasn’t quite as conventional as I had planned.

Trying to Understand

After a few years together, we began to focus on having a baby. He had a daughter from his previous message. Although I loved her, it just wasn’t the same and, for me, it wasn’t enough. About four years later, we still weren’t having any luck. I remember laying in bed in the dark, silently crying after my guy told me that he didn’t want to try anymore because he didn’t think it was going to happen. I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach as friend after friend after friend found out that they were pregnant. I watched their bellies grow, went to baby showers and held the little bundles of joy with elation, the whole time wondering, “What is so wrong with me that God refuses to bless me with a child?”

What made our lack of success more difficult to deal with was nursing school. Nursing school requires a clinical rotation in both obstetrics and pediatrics. So that whole semester, I found myself in an almost bi-polar-like storm of emotions. I was happy about what I was learning and what I was doing, but there would be these moments…like when a newborn baby tested positive for cocaine or when I was assigned to take care of a child that had been beaten so badly that a full body cast was required…that made me unbelievably depressed. I would leave the hospital and cry all the way home. At times, I couldn’t even contain it to the car and would have to sneak into a corner to wipe the tears away before anyone saw me. Why could people like this have children, but I can’t?

By the time 2008 rolled around, I was 30 years old and had given up my dream of becoming a mom. Sure, a little glimmer of hope still existed somewhere in the depths of my mind, but I had essentially given up on the idea that I would ever become a mom. Instead, I was becoming bitter – and not intentionally.

The Moment My Life Changed

In June of 2008, we went to visit a client of mine in Ontario. After returning home from Canada, we were leaving to go on a float trip with my family. I had packed appropriately for Canada, as I knew I was already overdue for my monthly visitor (which was not uncommon). I thought I was 6 days late the day we left and, after four days of being there without having to break out the Tampax, I began to get a bit worried. By my calculations, I was then 10 days late. We went out with my client and her boyfriend the evening before we left and she offered to buy drinks for all of us. She and her boyfriend were insisting I take a break and have a cocktail. Normally, I would have gladly accepted, but something inside of me was telling me that it wasn’t right, so I respectfully declined.

By the time we got home, it was late. I asked him to stop at a Walgreens on our way home from the airport. He acted uneasy, almost as if he was as nervous as I was. I just wanted to know before we left for our float trip. I didn’t want to jeopardize this miracle if it had finally happened. Now, I’ve never tested positive for a pregnancy test before, so you can imagine my elation as I watched that little pink line pop up. But I had to be sure and I think he wanted to be sure, too. I took the other one. Sure enough, the line was positive. I was crying and I couldn’t stop smiling. I was finally pregnant!!!

We discussed whether or not we were going to tell anyone until I saw the doctor. After all, we were going on a float trip! Under any other circumstance, I would be having cocktails with my dad and sister as we all floated down the river. I knew my family would know something was wrong with me within 24 hours if I didn’t drink while we were supposed to be enjoying a mini-vacation on the river. That meant I had to tell. So, I called my mom and grandmother first and broke the news because they wouldn’t be with us. Then I told my sister. Then my dad. Yes, I was pretty sure I was pregnant.

Waiting Sucks

My pregnancy was fabulous. Sure, my feet swelled and I had to buy new pants and a few new shirts, but I didn’t have to buy much because most of my clothing accommodated my pregnancy fairly well. Of course, I only gained 13 pounds and it was all in my belly!

The scary part was going to my last doctor’s appointment. When the doctor took my measurements and realized that my stomach hadn’t grown and I had lost another 2 pounds, he ordered another ultrasound. The ultrasound was scheduled for the following Monday and my last day of work was the Sunday before because I wanted to have a few weeks to get the baby’s room decorated and have everything ready for him when we brought him home. Well, like most babies, it didn’t work that way.

Time for a Delivery!

I went to my ultrasound appointment, as planned. However, the tech saw something on the screen that she didn’t like and she called the doctor. I was admitted immediately and hooked up to the monitors. Five hours later, I was released under the agreement that my significant other would be home from work within the hour and he would drive me to the St. Louis hospital that was recommended due to it having a Class 3 NICU. What happened? My son was actually losing weight inside of me and my amniotic fluid was almost non-existent. On top of that, he was in breach position and there was an issue with the umbilical cord.

I was waiting when he got home from work and we went right to the hospital. They were waiting for me, so when I checked in, I was immediately placed in a wheelchair and wheeled to the elevator, then placed in my room. I was informed that my labor would be induced, that it wouldn’t be comfortable and that now my baby’s heartbeat was a concern. I’m not going to go into detail about the induction or the totally invasive monitor that they had to attach to my baby before birth, but it was not pretty and there were many, MANY foul words screamed.

I begged for an epidural for an hour before I actually got one. The anesthesiologist had just completed the procedure when what little was left of my water broke. I told the nurse and she told me that I probably urinated on myself. I told her that I most certainly did not over and over again, while she insisted that it happens all the time. Then I lifted my hospital gown and said, “Does that look like urine to you?”

So, within 3 minutes, we were in the OR. They had prepped it for me because my son was still breach an hour prior. I believe it was 9:37 when my hospital bed was wheeled in and, at 9:53, my son was born. It was such an amazing moment to hear his little voice as he let out a good, healthy cry. I was immediately looking for him, but he was rushed off into the adjoining room. My guy asked me if he could go to see our son. I said, “Of course! Go.” But minutes went by and I still hadn’t gotten to see or hold my baby. Finally, with tears streaming down my face and the biggest butterflies in the world hovering around in my now empty stomach, I asked the nurse, “Can I please see my son?”

Love at First Sight

The moment I saw him was incomparable to anything else that I have ever felt in my entire life. It was like everything in the entire world stopped, and just for that moment, the world was good. There was nothing else I cared about, nothing else I felt compelled to do other than be a mother to my son.

So, I know it’s taken me a long time to explain why I get mushy on Mother’s Day, but it’s because I am so very thankful that I am finally a mother. Being able to see the smile on my son’s face every day, hear his adorable laughter and watch his eyes light up every time he gets excited is what makes my life worth living!

I hope you all have a wonderful Mother’s Day!!!