Finalizing Your Adoption: Preparing for and Celebrating the Big Day!

August 10, 2011 By Leave a Comment

On July 29th of this year, my husband and I took our 3 year old little girl to the court house and finalized her adoption! It was a wonderful, memorable time. We will cherish that day forever. Our day went smoothly, our celebration that night was fabulous and our little one was able to take it all in without being too thrown off.

The success of our day had several sources. First, we had lots of coaching from our play therapist ahead of time. We were reminded that finalization can trigger a child’s most broken place of all — their shame. Children who are adopted, especially from foster care, have trouble overcoming the sense of shame that comes from having been abused, abandoned or neglected. Finding out that her adoptive parents want to keep her forever can cause a head-on collision with the child’s worldview — a worldview of worthlessness.

For this reason, it is wise to celebrate the child and the day in ways you know the child will enjoy, but that are not too far out of the child’s normal routine. It’s great to tell your child how much you love her, how special she is, etc., but it’s also good not to over-do it! The child can only handle so much extra attention or moments of intimacy.

Another factor in celebrating the big day is to keep the child’s physical needs in mind. Help her keep her eating and sleeping schedule intact. If she still naps, make sure she gets one. Have one special dessert at the party (if you plan one), but don’t make it a whole day of unhealthy treats, which can throw off both the child’s digestion and her mood. Also remember to celebrate your child in ways that will connect with her:  who are her favorite people to be around? What are her favorite foods? What is her favorite thing to do? Focus on your child’s favorites and have fun with her.


As we approached finalization day, we did our best to help our daughter grasp what was going on at her own level. She is three—too young to understand the concept of “forever.” So, we gave her some concrete ideas to hold on to: “This is the day when your name will change! We will all have the same last name now.” And also: “We won’t ever have to have any social workers come to our house ever again!” Both of those things meant something to our little girl, and helped her get excited about this day we were so excited about. For a week straight she told everyone she saw about her new name and gave them a big smile.

Finally, commemorate the big day with a gift your child will love. Our little one had been asking for a small guitar of her very own for several months. This was the perfect time to treat her. We gave her the guitar at her small adoption party, and she has been a little rock star ever since! As a result of the guitar, we experienced one of our most precious moments yet; she said to my husband the next day, “Daddy, this is my very special guitar because I am a very special girl.” His eyes lit up and he nodded, “Yes. That’s exactly right.” And that, of course, is what finalization is all about.
Filed Under: Home & Family, Special Needs Parenting, Stories of Inspiration, Support for Children, Support for Parents Tagged With: , ,
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The Importance of Eye Contact

August 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

At first glance, my daughter would appear to be an exceptionally healthy, happy three year-old. In a lot of ways that is true. Underneath the surface, though, there is a little girl who has survived a lot in the three short years before her adoption. She’s a little girl who wants nothing more than to be loved, yet who has so much trouble accepting love when it is offered. One of the ways that this comes out to me is in the way she avoids eye contact.

A healthy infant will stare into a parent’s eyes for minutes on end. They will eagerly, hungrily accept that intense gaze. They learn so early to read a smile in a parent’s eyes or a frown. I’m not sure what messages my little girl got as an infant, but whatever they were, they have left a scar. She finds it difficult and sometimes impossible to meet my loving gaze when I cuddle with her or rock her. She looks away as I sing lullabies or stroke her hair.

One way to get through to children who have a hard time accepting nurture is to make things a little more light-hearted—to play. They can feel very uncomfortable sharing intensely loving moments, but sometimes there are other ways to get at a connection. When a parent finds something that works, it’s a glorious moment. Both parent and child long to feel connected and feel enormous joy when they are.

Last week I tried making up an eye contact game. The plan was to see who could hold the other’s gaze the longest. First I would make eye contact and count until one of us looked away. Then she would take a turn. It was great counting practice for her on top of being at least slightly therapeutic! She liked the game, and we have played it again. It will be interesting to see if she can hold my gaze longer as time goes on.

Special-needs parenting—like all parenting—takes a lot of creativity and perseverance. The important thing is to hold on to hope and to wait patiently for that hope to bear fruit.
Filed Under: Home & Family, Special Needs Parenting, Stories of Inspiration, Support for Parents Tagged With: , , ,
This post may contain affiliate links or sponsored content. In most cases, products are provided to Moms Living Thrifty for review. All product reviews are written according to the writer's honest opinion, experience or beliefs. Your opinion may vary. To see more on our disclosure policy, please visit our Disclosure page

A Twist on “Time-Outs”

July 26, 2011 By Leave a Comment

My pre-school aged daughter is an adorable, intelligent, and strong-willed child. She is also emotionally fragile, defiant, and has difficulty bonding as a result of two disruptions in her first three years—first from her biological mother and then from her foster family when we adopted her.

At times her behavior can lead to a vicious cycle: she is defiant, then we give her consequences, then she is more defiant, then we give her consequences, etc. Recently we found ourselves sending her to her room multiple times a day in order to de-escalate tense situations or as a consequence for her defiant behavior.

Our play therapist made a few suggestions which I have found most helpful:

1) She helped us see that by allowing ourselves to participate in this cycle, we were permitting our daughter to be in control of the situation. Children with attachment disorders often have a compulsion to reinforce their negative self-image; they do this through behaving in unacceptable ways. Typical consequences for negative behavior (e.g. “time-outs”, spanking, or being sent to their room) can sometimes reinforce to a child that they are bad or that the parent is rejecting them (which they expect).

2) She recommended that consequences should be directly related to the child’s behavior. For example, if our daughter throws food at the table, then we could move her plate out of her reach for a set amount of time. Because she threw food she will temporarily lose access to the food. This is a type of “time-out” but it directly links consequences to the problematic behavior. Also, it only lasts for a few minutes, and we will remain with her the whole time.


3) For temper tantrums, not only our therapist, but several books we have consulted have encouraged us to use “time-ins” instead of “time-outs.” For the child with an attachment disorder, this is a really important difference. The child is not sent away (i.e. rejected) for bad behavior, rather the parent remains with them. It still works like a time-out. A timer can be set for 3-5 minutes, but the child is not left alone. You don’t have to talk to the child, but you can re-assure them with your physical presence by sitting them on your lap, or just by keeping a hand on their back, that you are not rejecting them. The purpose of a time-in is not punitive; rather it is an effort to de-escalate the child’s emotional trajectory and empower them to calm down with the parent’s help.

These suggestions have been so helpful to my husband and to me as we have continued to navigate life with our precious little girl. No one tactic will work for every child, but I hope these insights will inspire some creativity in your own unique situations.
Filed Under: Special Needs, Special Needs Parenting, Stories of Inspiration, Support for Children, Support for Parents, Toddler Health, You're Not Alone Tagged With: , , , , ,
This post may contain affiliate links or sponsored content. In most cases, products are provided to Moms Living Thrifty for review. All product reviews are written according to the writer's honest opinion, experience or beliefs. Your opinion may vary. To see more on our disclosure policy, please visit our Disclosure page

Finding the Perfect Specialist for Your Special Needs Child

July 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Finding the Right Fit for Your Special Needs Child is Important

When you have a child with special needs, finding the right specialist is important and hard to do.  Children with disabilities sometimes need multiple specialists, for specific concerns like autism or ADHD, to more general concerns like developmental disabilities.  Whether you are looking for that first diagnosis or not, you should always strive to follow four basic steps to ensure you are finding the right fit for your child and family (not to mention insurance).

Breaking it Down: Steps to a Specialist Who is Right for Your Special Needs Child

Whether you are looking for a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, learning disabilities, or a genetic disorder, finding the right specialist for the job is the first step.  Ask your child’s pediatrician or research the type of specialist you need first.  For example, some psychiatrists specialize in diagnosing autism, but a neuropsychologist could diagnose a wider variety of neurological disorders, including learning disabilities, ADHD, and more.

This brings us to the second step, after picking the type of specialist you need for your child, use all your available resources to research.  Research:

  • Which specialists are covered under your insurance plan; make sure to include a local list of those specialists.  (call your customer service number for help if you need it)
  • Do an internet search for each doctor’s name, and see what other parents of children with disabilities had to say about their service – look for reviews.

Your third step is to evaluate the results of your research.

  • Narrow your choices to your top three and call the provided office numbers.  Ask to speak to the person who can answer questions about “if this specialist would be the right one for my special needschild.”
  • When you talk with someone, or they call you back, make sure that they know what your child needs from the specialist. Is it a diagnosis of learning disabilities?  Is it ongoing care for a disability or condition thathas already been diagnosed?  Are you looking just for a second opinion?

Your fourth step, and the one most people forget or ignore, is to pay attention to how your contact answers your questions about whether their office is the best fit for your special needs child.  Listen to any questions they ask you and answer them completely – this tells you a lot about how well they can help you and your child.

Remember: You Know Your Special Needs Child Best!

Never ignore your gut instinct here.  If, after all your research and phone calls, you still have trouble finding the right specialist to help you, whether you are looking for a diagnosis of autism, ADHD, or something else entirely, you want an office that will treat you with respect and treat your questions as important.

What are some of the biggest obstacles you have had to address when finding a specialist for your child? Do you have something to add that might help another parent?

 
Filed Under: Home & Family, Medical Needs, Special Needs, Special Needs Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
This post may contain affiliate links or sponsored content. In most cases, products are provided to Moms Living Thrifty for review. All product reviews are written according to the writer's honest opinion, experience or beliefs. Your opinion may vary. To see more on our disclosure policy, please visit our Disclosure page

Sensory Play: Fun Kids’ Activities for your Special Needs Child

June 29, 2011 By 1 Comment

When it comes to summer-time fun kids’ activities for children with special needs, it’s sometime hard to find activities that will help your kid with their sensory issues. In our busy, busy worlds, we want to help our kids develop skills and challenge their sensory development. But how do we know what kinds of kids’ activities are best for our sensory-challenged kids?

The first thing to remember is that summer is, for most families, when you are able to challenge your sensory-seeking or sensory-avoidant child the most. Why? Because you can play outside—a natural sensory playground—and you can more easily make the kinds of messes that will not only help your kids, but delight them as well.

3 Tips for Summer Sensory Play:

  1. Water – one of the most beloved and fun kids’ activities any parent can offer is for their kid to run through a sprinkler, go wading in a baby pool, or just splash around in large plastic bowls filled with different amount (or colors!) or water. You don’t even need to change this for your special needs child, just be willing to adapt to their specific sensory needs!
  2. Sand – also one of the easiest kids’ summer activities you can set up for your child. You can use a traditional sand box, build your own, or appropriate a plastic storage bin. For fun on a smaller scale, use all the senses and try this handmade toy that will delight your kid, whether they are special needs or not:
    1. Rinse out an old plastic soda bottle, whatever size you want to play with.
    2. Fill it half way with sand.
    3. Go on a scavenger hunt for very small items to place inside and ‘hide’ in the sand:

i.      Marbles

ii.      Little Army guys (cut off their feet!)

iii.      Tiny accessories (from a doll or action hero!)

  1. Fill the rest of the container with sand.
  2. Use super glue and glue on the lid as you twist it on.
  3. For extra security, wrap brightly-colored duck-tape around the lid as well.
  4. Challenge your kid to find the objects inside (see if they can find them all!)
  5. Bubbles – another one of many easy kids’ summer activities is to play with bubbles! See whose bubble is the biggest. Try to count all of the bubbles before they pop. Try to catch them. For special needs children, especially, this is a fun and enjoyable way to sneak in touch and feel, as well as vision tracking skills. And the best part is that you can all have fun doing it!

See how easy it is to mix in some developmental and sensory play into regular kids’ summer activities? What are some of the best ways you have found to challenge your child during the long summer months?

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Filed Under: Family Fun, Fun at Home, Special Needs Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
This post may contain affiliate links or sponsored content. In most cases, products are provided to Moms Living Thrifty for review. All product reviews are written according to the writer's honest opinion, experience or beliefs. Your opinion may vary. To see more on our disclosure policy, please visit our Disclosure page